Take 1, 2, 3, 4 steps to love.

Monday, November 30, 2009

SHE smsed..

still speechless.. didn know wad to reply and decided to ask who's her.. which obviously i know who was it...

fake deleted her number.. she ask wad happened and i smirked.. went even speechless..

she claimed i talked to her sis and didn know wad's going on between me and hj.. and well.. not for a common fren of me and hj; implying her, me and hj could still talk.. and i would not have lost a bro..

she claimed that she wans to know wad's going on and kinda not want to have our relationship soured.. but i believe that after this whole month or even more than a month already.. she 's just giving me excuses, putting on a show, and making use of me.. which i didn mind b4.. but for now.. i felt even worst then 2 years ago...

i tell myself.. it's okay.. since our grp of frens are rather not clashed and the onli common fren, hj, is also now gone.. maybe it's time for me to leave her world and not her leaving mine....

she's definitely gonna be fine.. and i guess in me i know it very very clear that she IS really gonna be very fine and i should now on not matter nor care any of their stuffs...

I'm cleared now.. :) and it's time to move on.. i still have a small grp of frens.. :) and i can still make new ones.. :) and i felt so much better.. life's better too.. :D even though i'm still quite rather alone.. :x

Your smile makes everything seem perfect to me.
Sunday, November 29, 2009

OMFG!!!! i totally am speechless.... to have such a fking god sis.. treating hj as my fking fren...
omfg...

i really am am am total speechless...

i seriously dun understand wad had happened neither wad ever they are saying behind my back.. omfg i seriously got nth to sae.. treated her like a fren but yet this is wad i get... i break ppl's relationship? proof?

i do have my own logic or wad they sae nonsense advice.. but i do not fking hell make them listen to me rite?! i onli advise.. i still like who they are wad!!!

omfg.. i seriously didn know ppl has such heart.. such hearing.. such i dunno wd fk la...

maybe like wad my dad is rite.. should not even have met her up again 2 years ago.. should not have went out with them.. should not had told her my darkest secret even though my even darker ones i was not honest with her..

omfg.. damn big impact.. if i haven't even start talking to tiger i would still be hid in the dark.. omg omg omg.. dun even know is good or bad to know this.. wah..!!!

i still feel the 100 knife stabbing hard into me.. in all directions; up, down, left, right....

need time again... to recover... damn fking shocking.. omfg.. but leen(tiger) is really right... wah!! need to thank god(lao tian ye) cus he let me rested for nearly a month to connect back with sz sy that bunch of ppl, talked with ivan like never b4.. wah.. then let me know the truth.. hah!!!

THANKS LEEN!!! hearts u to bits already!!

omfg.. really need to open my eye and set up a barrier already... and really need to thank them in the end..

TO THE MOST GRATEFUL HJ AND SH:

i really need to thank u guys for letting me know the truth by my most hated way.. seriously.. u guys are the greatest.. teaching me lots of things..

i was once happy cus i was with u guys.. really happy.. knew abt social stuffs.. knew abt games.. knew abt songs.. knew abt life.. alot jui dui le la!! but now for the very last time..

really thanks for coming into my life once.. for hui; twice. really thanks alot and hopefully u guys can just treasure wad u guys have now and i think i'm leaving u guys for good.. maybe worst in ur opinion? i dunno also.. so yar..

last BIG THANK YOU and a HUG! :D

Thanks..

LOVE, WINNIE

Your smile makes everything seem perfect to me.
Saturday, November 28, 2009

i really think that sitting alone, working alone, offed my phone; nnot really offed but just trying to ignore.., running thoughts through my head, looking at blogs made me really think alot!!

so much so that i could even write a 1k long entry..

i wanted to write sooo much i wanted to talk soo much till the point someone's gonna read it, someone gonna understands it and even understand what i meant.. i really want to cry want to die and really just to restart my life, but i know it's immposible because life still goes on, unless i got crushed by a truck outside my office rite now... dun understand what i want what i need and what i should do... is frens my everything? or just me myself is everything...

no one online, no one to talk too.. even the one i really hope that he could just sms me and sae hey how's ur work.. is also not smsing... gosh.. Y ISIT SO EMO TODAY?!

irene not online, sy not online, moni not online, SY not back from aussie yet, sz nth much to talk , cam is emo too, xh;feels weird to suddenly sms her cus ending product is still no topic to talk, and i got no other fking frens already!! ah have.. regina should be with bf as usual, madelyn my cousin ain't close with me, jerrold and justin should be gaming and onli look for me when they need companion, how much more pethetic can i get?!

omgosh man... like a faliure in everything.. tried so hard for love; failed cus i'm fat, tried so hard with frens; failed cus i'm useless, tried so hard just to even talk with family; failed cus i'm fat and useless and dunno how to help..

i'm so like a faliure in every single thing.. no money, no house, no car, no license, no fren, no love, no figure, no good collegue, no shoe, no clothing, no nice phone, no internet, no food, no water, no family..

AH!! I HAVE NTH LA!!! FUCK!!

dun even understand y am i so emo and worked up... ask also pointless la.. cus i fking dunno either...

can u just keep bothering me instead of throwing me aside?! I AM BLUFFING U THAT I AM GOOD LA!!! T_T

someone pls!!!! just bother me!!! T_T

Your smile makes everything seem perfect to me.

i really think i'm so dead...

i think i really like the feeling of talking to him even though in alot of ways he's like an idiot gay ass jerk..

i think i'm getting more absent minded; NEARLY lost my office card which gonna cost 50 buckS!!

i think that i am starting to miss the time when i had with that army guy even though we didn work out at all..

i think i really need to get out of my own life to live at some where, where no one could recognise me so i can restart my whole life again and not be a pile of mud.

i also think that i can be hard working to work almost every day, everyweek.. even though i dunno where my motivation comes from...

and i think i am starting to letting go alot of my stuffs to frens(sy) again and i got a bad feeling abt it... cus everytime i try to be real to them what i get back is onli....... gas...

i think i am able to go swimming everyday to slim my arm and legs and most prob my donut.. it's protruding now cus i'm such a fat fuck...

i think i am demoralising myself too... cus i'm fat, i'm too dumb to believe ppl, ppl hates me cus i'm fat and i am being labelled weird cus i'm fat...

and yes i'm fat..

Your smile makes everything seem perfect to me.
Thursday, November 26, 2009

actually to tell u i love u needs so much courage but i do not really have them yet..

the habit is coming back.. and i dun really wan to fall into it again.. maybe he's just using me or smth.. but.. thats all i can sae...

am i willing to be that replacement?

Your smile makes everything seem perfect to me.
Monday, November 23, 2009

HAAAA~!! i dunno wad wrong with me now.. damn...

just yesterday i went sentosa with IVAN, Shu yi, sz and sz's sis and her frens.. was a very happy day!! talked alot! took alot of pics! ate nice food! but now.. i dunno if i regret bringing him along..

crap......

he now gets to know shu yi had her number, for no reason smsing her already.. though i know she may not like the way he approaches her now.. but for 1 reason i know they actually have alot of things in common which i dun think i have... ah crap crap crap... i'm feel like banging my head on the wall now and not think the part that he had starting to sms her, know her and had fun!!! some one knock me out~! GRRR!!! i dare not even tell to ivan abt my feelings cuss it's not the time yet. and i'm fat! ahhh!!! dunno la....

i really really really just no die now.. really...

Your smile makes everything seem perfect to me.
Saturday, November 21, 2009

no more smses, no more calls, no more complains, no more mac at late night, no more "double dating".. and alot of no more ever since that last sms...

did not understand what had happened.. i do not think i did anything wrong.. but yea.. she just lost contact even though our last sms is:" winnie will u still mind(despise me) as fren" [something like that la.. lols.. my reply:" Nope i don't mind even though the way we treat frens very differently.."

thats all and no more contact... even hj also kinda blocked me.. :x wadever la!! tot i could have a kor to talk to and someone to ask some questions abt person.. zzz..

maybe my dad was right to not care abt frens that much.. i think i cared too much.. making my life a mess and failures are all i see.. oh well..

tmr should be a good day out.. :) with sz, shu yi, Ivan! to sentosa~ hopefully i could break the ice between everyone.. lols!! cus all are related to me but not with each other.. hahaha!!! let them expand network!! :)

realised onli worked 4 days this month! and it's so wrong of me! wwtf!! need to buck up next week.. make myself work at least 2 days!! wed, fri and sat and maybe SUN!! :X

need the money la.. dun blame alrite!! hardly u could see winnie so hardworking!! :D
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Sy coming back on the 3rd of dec!! going out on the 5th!! xD MISSED HER SOO MUCH!! hope dec i so not gonna spend too much.. if not gonna eat into my perth savings.. zzz.. -.-

need to get some of the clinique stuffs too soon!! $$ needed again.. damn.. and clinique cost a bomb! :X

oh well.. these are life.. :) and just to add on..

* jie ar.. dunno wad's going on.. and i got a feeling that i am being speaked abt at my back.. even though i dun mind cus anyway i'm hated.. but just to let u know somewhat ur sis might be rite not all.. but some.. and u are forgiven by me.. but pls dun take advantage cus i'm nice..

and HJ; pls come online?! i got alot of things to ask u!! [ but u won't ba cus u dunno my blog.. lols!!] *

Your smile makes everything seem perfect to me.
Sunday, November 15, 2009

watched 2012..

it's a

SUPER DUPER UBER MARVELLOUS EXCELLENT FANTASTIC...

AIYA WADEVER THE WORD IS..

IT'S JUST NICE!! JUST LOVE HOLLYWOOD SCIENCE LA.. LOLS..

lols.. everything seems like a perfect route, a perfect escape, a perfect plan for us human to get ready with.. if ever such things do really exist.. maybe every one could be save! when the time comes.. :)

and if really like what others has said that such time will and does come.. isit really that those whom are rich; rich as in those really really REALLY rich, could survive.. will i survive too??

i really wan to survive through a nature disaster.. really.. if i were to meet one i think i will love mother earth even greater and love my lao tian ye too.. even though i'm now like so free thinker.. :X

not that it's not good la.. but ppl saes that if one has a believe, a religion they actually out perform people whom doesn't.. dun really know if it's true but wad i believe is that even though i may be a pile of mud now there's always a way out if decision i made was rite.. :|

Your smile makes everything seem perfect to me.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Just received irene's sms and just realise i've made alot ppl worried and didn update them..

Thanks irene.. :) although it's just an sms but i felt the warmth at least i do know that people do care abt me..

Thanks sz.. :) although u didn really help physically but mentally u did real great~! thanks for the encouragement..

Thanks cam.. :) lend me 30 bucks to survived that week..

Thanks Shu Yi.. :) to company me through my friday afternoon even though i'm dota-ing with my cousin and his frens since morning.. and company through my sat and sun till i went to work..

Thanks lovely, cute, crazy cousin.. :) to bring me a crazy fri!!

lastly..

Thanks Michelle *even though i dun really like u*..but u are the onli one that is willing to take me in just in case i was thrown out.. :|

These matter even though are small but made up BIG! :D i'm at least fine now.. no more scary feeling in my heart, no more locked up room and toilets..i am able to talk freely to my bro and dad but not my mum yet.. -_-

But in return.. i need to contribute to utility bills... WTF!! then wad abt my plan to fly!!!!

TMD~! need to make better plans already with extra work -_-||

*saved $100*

Your smile makes everything seem perfect to me.
Saturday, November 7, 2009

RUBBISH RUBBISH RUBBISH...

i got a rubbish mum, a rubbish life and a rubbish me.

fking rubbish la... zzzz.. anyway, counting down to 1 day for getting kick out of house.. wish me good luck eh.. even my aunt i wrote a note shove it at her door also no reply... wadever fuck la.. sleep on streets the best la hor.. next time see me on streets throw vomits, rubbish and even shit one me okay!! i'll be damn happy cus i'm total useless..

__________

that bloody zai nan seriously damn petty like some rich lady.. zzz.. okay fine he IS rich but guy.. zzz.. fking not happy at home think still got mood for movie meh.. scared i dun treat u back ar.. zzz... give me a break la gay ass... sms u no reply too.. wtf! damn kns..
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i'm total broke until 11th nov.. and many thx to cam for that 30 bucks and michelle who is willing to let me stay at ur hse if anything later happens.. :)

and sadly to say.. i told myself not to cry because of mum but as i was saying on the part of being thrown out.. i cried.. NOT BECAUSE OF MY FKED UP MUM but cus i saw my dad and bro suffering... :(

ah! and thx ivan bro.. really thx.. though we quarrel like our 3 meals but i seriously can depend on u sia.. maybe cus u changed le ba.. :) and i know u going to have a stead soon.. show me who she okay!? xD

Your smile makes everything seem perfect to me.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009

damn FUCKED UP!!

with: 1) GOD SiS.. but over soon..
2) MUM!! FUCKED UP !
3) with myself!!

ROAR!!! i seriously dun understand y she can't just admit her wrong doing or to seriously confide in me.. i feel so cheated and USED!! knn... fking bitch.. just knew some stuffs from her little sis that she actually didn talk to her and didn even return her her eyeshadows that was bought for blogshop!! WTF! i seriously think she's hopeless... flirt with guys when she has a BF.. no wonder they always fking quarrel.. and seriously i think it will not benefit her in any way la.. having onli guys thats interested in her as frens... is all fking bullshit.. and make those really really into her/like her as god bro cus she has bf is also all FKING BULLSHIT!!!

sorry to sae that but seriously u are not making any distance with them zzz.. and keep telling me this is the onli way to maintain as frens and keeping a distance!! FK! when the way u speak is like a bloody bitch.. super cheap la u.. i despise u totally now.. and u MAKE ME PUKE!!!

and fking hell.. at home another matter.. BRO SHOUTS AT ME to keep the clothes.. and i hate him when he shouts at me.. knn.. threw a little temper at my bro and mum gets mad.. KNN.. wad have i done la.. FK! thew 2 ceramic cup into my room and fking made me sweep floor 2 times and i still think there's still fragments on the floor la!!! KNN... FKING ILL TEMPERED BITCH!! ARGH!! hate my mum now seriously.. adding this to the favoritism... zzzzzzz... ROAR!!!

i fking hate myself now!!!!! GAINED WEIGHT... MADE MUM ANGRY CUS I SHOUTED AT MY BRO?! AND IS FKING STAYING AT HOME FOR NTH?!

TMD LA!! WHERE"S ALL THE MOTIVATIONS!!!!
KNs!

Your smile makes everything seem perfect to me.